British Medical Slang

HIPPOCRATIC OAFS

From a list of medical slang compiled by Adam Fox and excerpted in the British Medical Journal. According to Fox, a London pediatrician, many of the terms are used in doctors’ notes and medical reports.

Source: Harper’s Magazine / November 2002
American Addendum added below

Ash cash: money paid for signing cremation forms

Ash point: where you collect your ash cash

Babygram: an X ray of a neonate

Bash cash: money paid for completing accident forms

Brown trout: a stool that won’t float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)

Buff: applying spin to a patient’s history to facilitate a transfer

Champagne tap: a bloodless sample from a lumbar puncture

Cold-tea sign: refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric

Code brown: incontinence-related emergency

Crumble: derogatory term for an elderly patient

CTD: Circling the Drain, for expectant terminal patients

Departure lounge: geriatric ward

Digging for worms: varicose-vein surgery

DBI: Dirt Bag Index

ERCP: Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient, an emergency procedure before the consultant rounds

Flower sign: fresh flowers at the bedside imply the patient has a supportive family

GROLIES: Guardian Reader of Limited Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt

FTF: Failure to Fly, for attempted-suicide victims

Handbag positive: Used to denote a patient (usually an old lady) lying in her hopital bed clutching her handbag, a sign she is confused and disoriented

MICO: Masterly Inactivity & Catlike Observation

N=1 trial: polite term for experimenting on a patient

O-sign: found on the very sick patient who lies with his mouth open

Ostrich treatment: pretend it’s not there and hope it goes away

Eternal care: intensive care

FLK: Funny-Looking Kid

GOK: God Only Knows

Guessing tubes: stethoscope

House red: blood

LOL: Little Old Lady

OAP: Over-Anxious Patient

PFO: Pissed, Fell Over

Q-sign: follows the O-sign, when the terminal patient’s tongue hangs out of this open mouth

Serum porcelain: battery of blood tests on an elderly patient

SIG: Stroppy Ignorant Girl

Slough: a patient another unit or hospital tries to unload on you inappropriately or unfairly

TFBUNDY: Totally Fucked but Unfortunately Not Dead Yet

TMB: Too Many Birthdays

Turf: diverting a patient to another team by spinning the history to suit

Psychoceramics: psychogeriatrics

Sieve: a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees

Spanish disease: cockney rhyming slang for cancer

Treat ‘n street: quick patient turnaround

TUBE: Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

Wall: a doctor who resists admitting patients at all costs

Whopper with cheese: fat woman with thrush

Woolworth’s test: used by anesthetists. If you can imagine the patient shopping in Woolworth’s, then he is fit enough for an anesthetic.

Wrinkly: geriatric

– – – – –

AMERICAN ADDENDUM

Big Red: the Aorta

Big Stinky: the Colon

Business: New Consult

Road test: walking with patient down the hall with O2 monitor to see if patient can maintain his or her oxygen saturation

The Girls: Ovaries

The Boys: Testicles

The sixth vital sign: urine toxicology to screen for recreational drug use

Telephone Sign: the patient is alert and conversing on his or her cell phone. Prognosticates patient is ready to transfer out of the ICU.

Vegetable Garden: Neurointensive unit